Keep on Running
It's been just over six months since my world was turned upside down. I have written only for myself over these past months. I have honestly been hesitant to share any of this journey in the past months, as any new friends I have made don't know what I went through, and I fear letting more people in. The thing is, though, that letting people in is what allows me to be the most authentic version of myself - and the more authentic I am, the happier I am.
In many ways, the healing I felt this past spring was due to the fact that I wasn't hiding. I was raw and real and letting myself hurt and be authentic and real with those around me. I have had amazing conversations as a result, and I have felt closer to people I care about because I let them in. I know it's kind of awkward for a lot of people to discuss the subject of pregnancy/pregnancy loss (especially with a single woman in my position), so it means a lot when people approach me and either open up about their own story or ask how I am doing. I have gained strength from every person who told me they thought I was strong.
I have dreaded the month of September. It's not only the end of summer, the shortening of the sunny days, and the return of cooler weather (I know most people appreciate that but I am a summer baby who lives for sunshine and warmth.), September is also the month I was due to become a mother. In many ways, I see why things happened the way they did and am okay with where I am right now. However, the thought that I "should" be uncomfortably pregnant right now still crosses my mind. There have been plenty of rough days these past months, but the good days and grateful moments have far outweighed the bad. Even with all the good days, I knew September was coming. I knew I would remember that due date at the end of the month...the date that will just be another September day. The world will spin on, and I will be fine. Still, there will be moments - there are moments - when I realize my life should have been... or would have been drastically different.
In these months of reacquainting myself with me and who I want to be, I know I have grown and I'm grateful for that. It's been months of ups and downs, good choices and bad choices. I've been reminded that I am still human, and despite what I wish were true, I am still not superwoman. I have had a busy season of work and enjoyed the spring and summer with friends, while jumping back on the fertility diet and piles of vitamins to stay healthy. I am not sure what is next, but after the journey I have been on, I know I want to keep going. I wish I knew why, but I don't... I just know that I am not ready to give up.
Despite my goal of being authentic through this all, one thing I don't love is getting questions about if/when I'm going to be trying again or where I am in the process - would you ask a married woman that question? I'm curious. If not, please don't press me, whether you are a parent or single or married or or trying or not. It's the one part of the journey that I don't feel compelled to share. Not only can I not just try whenever I want for logistical reasons, it also costs a lot of money - and after the thousands upon thousands that I have spent in the past year, the well is running dry. I would try every single month if I could, but that's not feasible when every single month costs $2500. So, please feel free to ask questions and approach me about the subject of what I've been through, but keep the questions (and advice) about the future to a minimum. Just know that I am not giving up. It may be slow ride for a while, but I am not ready to quit.
It's funny to think of myself as someone who ever gave up easily, but there was a time when that was me. I remember a time that when faced with a challenge, I gave up and just settled. I think, in hindsight, it was for the best in many cases because I was young and learning life. Still, I was a quitter. Then, I became a runner. A new version of me was born in that season, and there is no way I'd be where I am today were it not for the persistence I learned from endurance racing. Buying my first home was probably my first real world battle that nearly broke me - I could have (possibly should have, at times) given up, but I reluctantly persisted. It beat me down, but I learned to fight tooth and nail until I finally owned my first home.
With every endurance race I ran, I remember my finish line push. No matter how broken or beaten down I felt, I kept going and somehow was determined to sprint the finish once I arrived. Sometimes that sprint looked more like a stumble, but I gave it all I had. My favorite race photo ever is the finish line of my half-Ironman. The racer next to me had slowed to raise his hands in joy as he finished, and I remember the feeling of accomplishment as I propelled my exhausted body over the finish line ahead of him. I have seen this parallel in my life with so many big moments since. Selling my first home and buying my second home were no exception... good Lord, they were no exception. All along the way, I felt broken and beaten down, but I knew that once I had the finish line in my sights, I would make it. I am not sure why I would expect this journey to be any different. I'm just in the middle of another race. I have never quit a race, and I don't intend to quit this one. It may just turn out to be more of an ultra-marathon than the 5k I'd hoped for.
To wrap this rambling post up, there is a reason I finally decided to write and share again. To begin with, a few might have been curious if I'd be trying again by now (answer: don't ask). I am sharing because I am a better version of myself when I am authentic and not hiding my story. I am weaker when I am in hiding. I am also a small voice, and something this big needs the prayers of many. So I ask that those who pray continue to pray for my situation - my body and mind and resources. There is so much of this journey that is beyond my control, so for that, I ask prayers. Until next time, I'll just keep on running this different type of race until I see the finish line in sight.
In many ways, the healing I felt this past spring was due to the fact that I wasn't hiding. I was raw and real and letting myself hurt and be authentic and real with those around me. I have had amazing conversations as a result, and I have felt closer to people I care about because I let them in. I know it's kind of awkward for a lot of people to discuss the subject of pregnancy/pregnancy loss (especially with a single woman in my position), so it means a lot when people approach me and either open up about their own story or ask how I am doing. I have gained strength from every person who told me they thought I was strong.
I have dreaded the month of September. It's not only the end of summer, the shortening of the sunny days, and the return of cooler weather (I know most people appreciate that but I am a summer baby who lives for sunshine and warmth.), September is also the month I was due to become a mother. In many ways, I see why things happened the way they did and am okay with where I am right now. However, the thought that I "should" be uncomfortably pregnant right now still crosses my mind. There have been plenty of rough days these past months, but the good days and grateful moments have far outweighed the bad. Even with all the good days, I knew September was coming. I knew I would remember that due date at the end of the month...the date that will just be another September day. The world will spin on, and I will be fine. Still, there will be moments - there are moments - when I realize my life should have been... or would have been drastically different.
In these months of reacquainting myself with me and who I want to be, I know I have grown and I'm grateful for that. It's been months of ups and downs, good choices and bad choices. I've been reminded that I am still human, and despite what I wish were true, I am still not superwoman. I have had a busy season of work and enjoyed the spring and summer with friends, while jumping back on the fertility diet and piles of vitamins to stay healthy. I am not sure what is next, but after the journey I have been on, I know I want to keep going. I wish I knew why, but I don't... I just know that I am not ready to give up.
Despite my goal of being authentic through this all, one thing I don't love is getting questions about if/when I'm going to be trying again or where I am in the process - would you ask a married woman that question? I'm curious. If not, please don't press me, whether you are a parent or single or married or or trying or not. It's the one part of the journey that I don't feel compelled to share. Not only can I not just try whenever I want for logistical reasons, it also costs a lot of money - and after the thousands upon thousands that I have spent in the past year, the well is running dry. I would try every single month if I could, but that's not feasible when every single month costs $2500. So, please feel free to ask questions and approach me about the subject of what I've been through, but keep the questions (and advice) about the future to a minimum. Just know that I am not giving up. It may be slow ride for a while, but I am not ready to quit.
It's funny to think of myself as someone who ever gave up easily, but there was a time when that was me. I remember a time that when faced with a challenge, I gave up and just settled. I think, in hindsight, it was for the best in many cases because I was young and learning life. Still, I was a quitter. Then, I became a runner. A new version of me was born in that season, and there is no way I'd be where I am today were it not for the persistence I learned from endurance racing. Buying my first home was probably my first real world battle that nearly broke me - I could have (possibly should have, at times) given up, but I reluctantly persisted. It beat me down, but I learned to fight tooth and nail until I finally owned my first home.
With every endurance race I ran, I remember my finish line push. No matter how broken or beaten down I felt, I kept going and somehow was determined to sprint the finish once I arrived. Sometimes that sprint looked more like a stumble, but I gave it all I had. My favorite race photo ever is the finish line of my half-Ironman. The racer next to me had slowed to raise his hands in joy as he finished, and I remember the feeling of accomplishment as I propelled my exhausted body over the finish line ahead of him. I have seen this parallel in my life with so many big moments since. Selling my first home and buying my second home were no exception... good Lord, they were no exception. All along the way, I felt broken and beaten down, but I knew that once I had the finish line in my sights, I would make it. I am not sure why I would expect this journey to be any different. I'm just in the middle of another race. I have never quit a race, and I don't intend to quit this one. It may just turn out to be more of an ultra-marathon than the 5k I'd hoped for.
To wrap this rambling post up, there is a reason I finally decided to write and share again. To begin with, a few might have been curious if I'd be trying again by now (answer: don't ask). I am sharing because I am a better version of myself when I am authentic and not hiding my story. I am weaker when I am in hiding. I am also a small voice, and something this big needs the prayers of many. So I ask that those who pray continue to pray for my situation - my body and mind and resources. There is so much of this journey that is beyond my control, so for that, I ask prayers. Until next time, I'll just keep on running this different type of race until I see the finish line in sight.
You are awesome! I have always known that and I hope you really know it too!
ReplyDeleteI love you